You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.