I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Morning.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.