me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.