*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.