snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it