when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
being a writer on Twitter:
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
That’s no pocket rocket.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards