My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
can you read it!!??
maan!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.