[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.