*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
No, he would not have.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion