Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.