Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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consequences, the bane of my existence
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.