Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.