My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits