The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging