Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.