If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
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Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did