Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You Might Also Like
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Simple
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a