Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
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Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
wut hotdog?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Potatoes were such a good idea
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered