[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Spa day..😅