I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Pretty much. 🤣
Self-cleaning conscience
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄