I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”