My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Just me?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.