*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha