If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Namaste
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*