I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.