Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
new career option?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.