#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The three genders.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?