You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.