*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven鈥檛 heard any screaming so I think we鈥檙e good.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
choose your gary
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it鈥檚 made of hide.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 馃檪
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 馃檪
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* 鈥
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right