I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Did I do this right
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”