The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*