Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.