Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.