Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.