Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah