“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Breaking news:
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
knights of the ikea table
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
finally found a reasonable question