“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard