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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
first you must answer his riddles
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.