Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”