Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Y’all know who you are.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.