If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.