lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”