Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Ghost costume 😂
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.