Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth