date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
i can’t wait that long
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.