I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
socratic questions
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed