We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
How to properly lift a body
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
giddy up Office Depot
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.