Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.