“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
won’t smith
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended