Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered